Neurodharma

So I haven't actually listened to a single podcast but I subscribed to Buddhist Geeks because, well, I'm a geek and a Buddhist. Seems like a fit to me.
But I _do_ have them on twitter, and while yes as an IT nerd it causes me physical pain to type out that sentence I do actually follow about 6 twitter streams.
 
Anyway I found this article amazingly interesting. It's an article by
 
It's a transcript of their interview with Rick Hanson a PHD in neuropsychology and  Theravadan Buddhist
The coolest part is that in it he covers a bunch of stuff about physiologically why we are the way the Buddha says we are. or said, or does,whatever

stupid Zen.

But the best part is that it's not just all hot air. There is actual practical useful information in there on how to make your meditation more effective and ways to help ensure that the meditation makes it with you into the real world.
'real'

the place where you live and interact. The place where you really could use the meditation but really don't have the time.

-DB

The Dharma and my nuts

Ok, really it's Zazen and my nuts.

I don't know about you but in loose fitting clothes sitting down on the little Zafu, turning around and getting situated I almost always end up on my nuts. Or at least on my sack. WTF. Luckily this hasn't happened at the Zendo yet. Only here at home.

But it makes me wonder. I know it's going to happen at the Zendo some day. What really is the proper way to get your nuts out from under you in a Zendo/Temple/etc. When is it ok to lean back and jam your hand deep into the front of your pants so you can pull the little guys out from under you.

Because honestly I really can't concentrate on my breathing at that point.

Hard

It just got hard.
I don't want to sit, I'm tired and I want to go to bed. I almost didn't sit at all last night. I pulled it together but it was already almost 11 so I only sat for 12 minutes. I'm still fighting a cold and I can't be staying up till 11pm.

Tonight I don't want to sit either.

I will, and I might sit for 40 minutes (instead of my usual 30) just to force my way through.

But right now at this very moment I don't want to sit. I don't want to be Buddhist any more. I don't want all the work that's going to be involved studying and sitting. I don't want to have to deal with the changes, the ones that have already happened and the ones I have no idea about.

I don't want to have to figure out what the hell the Lotus Sutra means or learn the wisdom of non-duality.

But I will.

Two months ago I was ready to ask my neighbor to keep my weapons in his safe. I'd been having scuicidal thoughts often enough that I felt the simplicity of a handgun was starting to become a risky temptation.

You can't stop anyone who really wants to do it. I've got perscription meds that I"m sure would mix poorly if I took them together and draino and a big assed radial arm saw in the garage and any number of 100s of other things that I know could do the job.

But most of them aren't quite as easy or as guaranteed and will probably hurt like a bitch.

I haven't felt depressed enough to want to end it in about two months. I've been sitting regularly for just a couple of weeks longer.

Gassho

Progress towards shikan taza

So I believe I've made great progress in my meditation recently. Had something great at the service on Saturday.

I've had all these thoughts in my head and I fight to not hold on to them. but I always hold on to them and think about them. and I know I shouldn't be fighting so hard to not hold on to them.  I also have a problem with songs rolling through my head.

So Saturday what I did was just touch every thing that came into my head. Mostly I touched things I noticed. I focused on just touching anything I noticed. I said one word to describe it and lte it go. If the bell outside rang I said bell. If someone shifted their foot I said foot. If they shrugged I said shrug, if I was slouching I said straighten as I straightened my spine, etc.

I know that naming things in this way promotes segregation which is the opposite of zen but it helped me let things to. It also helped me not have a song in my head. I meditated again that night and it didn't work out very well but I did it in my cluttered busy living room not the zendo and I only did 10 mins because I'd done an hour already that day.

I didn't get a chance to discuss it with my teachers so I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. but when I try and focus on my breathing I can't focus only on my breathing I have all these other things I fight with. Doing this I actually got a bunch of breathing focus in.

Naked Zazen

I know that Naked and Zazen are not generally things you'd be able to authentically link but I had to last night. It's FRACKING hot in my house these days. The weather in socal has been above 100 every day for several days and we don't user our AC. Normally I don't mind sweating a bit during zazen. It's just one more thing your body does that you're supposed to acknowledge but not foxus on. but buckets of sweat is way too much and the hotter it gets the harder it is to pay attention. Or to not pay attention to be more accurate.

So I ended up on my cushion with my bathrobe in my lap sweating slightly less than before and much more comfortable and thus easier to maintain my focus.

Not that I can focus for a whole two seconds at a time or anything but I'm getting there.