Hard

It just got hard.
I don't want to sit, I'm tired and I want to go to bed. I almost didn't sit at all last night. I pulled it together but it was already almost 11 so I only sat for 12 minutes. I'm still fighting a cold and I can't be staying up till 11pm.

Tonight I don't want to sit either.

I will, and I might sit for 40 minutes (instead of my usual 30) just to force my way through.

But right now at this very moment I don't want to sit. I don't want to be Buddhist any more. I don't want all the work that's going to be involved studying and sitting. I don't want to have to deal with the changes, the ones that have already happened and the ones I have no idea about.

I don't want to have to figure out what the hell the Lotus Sutra means or learn the wisdom of non-duality.

But I will.

Two months ago I was ready to ask my neighbor to keep my weapons in his safe. I'd been having scuicidal thoughts often enough that I felt the simplicity of a handgun was starting to become a risky temptation.

You can't stop anyone who really wants to do it. I've got perscription meds that I"m sure would mix poorly if I took them together and draino and a big assed radial arm saw in the garage and any number of 100s of other things that I know could do the job.

But most of them aren't quite as easy or as guaranteed and will probably hurt like a bitch.

I haven't felt depressed enough to want to end it in about two months. I've been sitting regularly for just a couple of weeks longer.

Gassho