Zombie Mass in the Dessert

This year December 24th I went to my local Catholic church to celebrate the birth of the zombie god.

It certainly was pretty.

The first surprise was that when I crossed the threshold neither did I burst into flames or get attacked by rabid Christian maniacs. No big unbeliever alarm went off when I went in.

My wife walked me through the little steps as we went along and I asked questions when necessary. We walked in through the front door instead of the side door to get the full effect of the hall. I was very surprised by the beauty of the church. From the outside the place looks a bit like a desert brick. Like some Egyptian 3000 years ago slapped some clay and straw together into a square shape and dropped it on the corner. It truly is one of the uglier of the buildings in the city.

But on the inside it's lovely, it really is. Firstly it's not gaudy at all. The ceiling is very high and crossed with enormous beams.


We stopped by the holy water and my wife showed me how to cross myself. She walked us past the altar to which I bowed. I learned later that this was the appropriate action and I was pretty much the only one doing it. I just did it because my purpose there was to honor my sisters and brothers who live under Christ. To give my energy and love to them and to support them on this day which is so holy to them.

We arrived an hour early. We'd set out early to hit the store on the way and to avoid traffic. We needed plastic forks, the one thing that we'd missed in our Christmas brunch preparations. We passed the time with my describing the various bits of the church and answering any questions that such descriptions or the actions of the other people filtering into the hall raised. Also by picking on the priests outfits which make them look terribly fat. Perhaps it's not the outfits.

Mass followed pretty much as I had expected it and I won't even bother to try and go into it in detail here. For those of you interested look up 'Catholic Mass' on the googles. They have a very prescribed system and you will find almost 100% of what we did documented there. I will touch upon a few points where it raised interesting points.

There was a lot more singing than I had anticipated which I liked, even though the songs were slightly creepifying. I feel modern Christianity has very little soul. I think the white churches could learn a few things from gospel singing churches. There were readings from the old and new testaments and a little sermon, which I'm told is called a homily and a homily is different than a sermon but a lot like one. I'm totally going to have to look that up myself because I really don't get the difference. I think it's supposed to be less 'preachy.' That is less telling you what to do and more sharing with you. 

I have come a long way in the arena of interfaith and brotherly love and I think I'm doing worlds better in the arena of not being so damned judgemental. I didn't spend much time shuddering in revulsion. In fact I didn't feel judgemental much at all and slapped myself around any time I did. I wasn't there to be judgmental. I was there to share, to offer my own faith, power of prayer, spirituality, whatever. There are monks in seclusion who live their whole lives meditating or praying for the world. Working for the betterment of all. I wanted to do this in my tiny little way for my brothers and sisters in this church.

Watching the ceremony was kind of cool. It's just interesting to watch ceremonialized stuff. It's like watching the history channel. There's a point in mass where you kneel on these little kneeling benches that fold out from the pew in front of you. It's the image you see in all the movies where people are kneeling behind a pew and have their elbows on the seat in front of them.

I didn't get to do that. What I got instead was a whole ton of pain. The guy sitting in front of me was about five hundred years old and came in with a walker. Each time we stood his son, who is older than me, would grab his arm and hoist him up. When we go to the kneeling part it was no surprise that he didn't get up. So instead of resting my arms on the back of the chair I just knelt there with my palms together. What did come as a surprise though was when he leaned back. This forced me to do the same so I spent about five or ten minutes in this position. That doesn't seem like much until you do it for the first time in years. My legs were shaky for an hour afterwards.

The highlight for me was the homily. The priest told a cute little story of some family that couldn't give each other presents so cut out pictures and told us how god wasn't afraid to get down and dirty, he came amongst us. He started the whole thing by asking us questions. Questions he wanted us to ask ourselves and keep in mind. This was where the 'Jeezusy' really kicked in. His first question was 'Who brought you here?' To which I started to go all esoteric but he clarified it to mean who had introduced you to Jesus, who was responsible for you learning of the beauty and love or whatever of our old boy Jesus. This is where the brainwashing started.


But what I realized is that I was hearing what I had hoped for and not the brainwashing that I had feared. Because as he went on about the meaning of the questions and the meaning of the holiday and what not. What was important was that for every time he said "serve Jesus" or "In his name." For every time that he said some variation of "live God's will" He said "spread love to the whole world" at least five times often in the same breath. When he said that we were called to live as Jesus did it was bringing peace and joy to the entire world.


One thing that has driven most, like me, who have been driven away from Christianity is that 'His message' the message that Jesus seems to want us to spread is apparently to spread his message. All we ever seem to hear about the word of god is to spread the word of god. We are pushed away by this unrelenting need to convert everyone in the world to Christianity. It is that creepifying homogenization that scares us and that makes us think of  Pope Urban II commanding Europe to "destroy that vile race from the lands of our friends." A.K.A the Crusades.

What I saw on this night had none of this flavor but instead had the flavor of peace and love. It tasted not of commandments and hellfire but of a teacher offering us some suggestions on how to figure out the answer to a problem and where to go to learn more.

Shredding Monks and the Shao Lin Theme Park

So I clicked on this link because I hoped there would be a video of the skating monk and that, honestly, sounded funny.

And while there's a lot of discussion about the skating monk I really don't care. Anyone that's getting worked up over a monk on a skateboard needs to get their head out of their hiney. See who the fuck are all these Buddhist for some info on why.* But what did freak me out however was THIS link to a NY Post article about Shi Yongxin's plans to _sell stock_ in the Henan Shaolin temple. While I personally love the idea of scantily clad martial arts hotties I also wouldn't really appreciate them in my Zendo.**

I understand the need to raise some capital and I certainly don't think that they should have any reason not to supplement their income by allowing film companies to film on their grounds or other actions that could be considered questionable by some. The whole sale conversion of the temple into a huge caricature of itself however is just too much for me.

Shi Yongxin claims that his interest is in promoting the shaolin temple and Zen throughout the world. However all this is going to promote is the idea that Zen is a consumable commodity. We already have enough of that. You can' hardly pass gas without hitting some form of consumerised Buddha. While this happens to some extent for Christians it's not nearly as prevalent. I think this is due to a couple of reasons. One is probably because there's a whole lot more Christians in this country to get offended by the Jesus representations than there are Buddhists to get offended by Buddha representations. What's probably even a larger impact however is the fact that it's a whole lot easier to put the Buddha's face on a t-shirt than Jesus. Just imagine a big blood dripping Jesus on a t-shirt over the caption 'Smile!' or 'Shit Happens.'

*Well, not during service.

Twitter hacked by iranian cyber terrorists?

Twitter is currently down. Only moments ago it was up but hosting only a page that said 'This site has been hacked by Iranian Cyber Army'

Which really doesn't look much like an Iranian thing at all. It really looks like a bunch of Iranian-American jackassed teenagers.

Apparently I won't be tweeting this one. The crap part is I just tweeted a post minutes before I found this. Which means if the site is pwned my password is pwned. Time to change it.

 

**update**

Very Little out there on this 'Army' Apparently they hit another site yesterday, which I won't post because it's still got the above logo on it but there's a little blurb on it here that I don't quite understand. Twitter is back up.

More about BNHA

More pleas from helpbnha.

A video of one of the Bhat Nha monastics Thich Trung Hai who is also the author of a letter to the French government requesting asylum.

Not sure how this will play out. I am constantly surprised by some of the tactics that less savory places like Vietnam employ. Not that I'm surprised about the things that corrupt governments do to people, just that I am frequently surprised by the obvious BS that they spew about it and the crappy ways they go about doing it. Like we won't notice that 400 monks have been harassed for several years now. If, say, they had all died in a 'mysterious fire' several years ago this would all be over. Not that I'm condoning it, just that I'm surprised they (the Vietnamese government) let it go this far and continue to resort to crappy poorly thought out tactics that are only pissing off the international community.


I guess as long as they continue to suck China's great red cock they are probably going to maintain the same comfy status that they have currently. Theory goes, that's how this whole mess started in the first place anyway.

Sickest Buddhist Video Back Online

Apparently I'm a dumbass who doesn't scroll down far enough because The Worst Horse posted this three weeks ago now but the youtube video for 'The Sickest Buddhist' by comedian Arj Barker is back online. I've heard the lyrics but never seen the video until now.

Watch, click, laugh.

Oh noes tha booz!

I wanted to take a minute and talk about the booze.

I drink

I plan to continue to drink.

I hate when I see all the time someone say something like. I never really drank so I don't have a problem with this precept but I decided to try it once and now I understand why the Buddha said not to. Then they recount a story where they get plowed, it makes them stupid and they get a terrible headache.

Well of course they had a fucking problem. They've got no tolerance for alcohol and then they go out with some yahoos and let those people tell them how much to drink instead of listening to their bodies like they should. Plus since they don't drink they really don't understand the signals that their body _is_ giving them. What the fuck are they expecting? Maybe they should start with one beer or one glass of wine?

Now they think that everyone who drinks constantly wakes up with huge hangovers and is just soo taken in by the booze that they can't bring themselves to stop drinking. Instead of maybe thinking that there are a couple of people out there who have a drink or two and then FUCKING STOP before the puking* and the memory loss**.

Alternatively they'll say "I used to have a big problem with it and it almost killed me. One day I crashed my car and ended up hospitalized and now I understand drinking is bad"

Drinking isn't bad. Not having control is bad. The second set of people really should stop drinking but they judge the rest of us based on their experiences. Which are wrong.

what about people who have a single drink and STOP. what about people who drink mindfully enjoying the flavor and aroma of the beverage. Who don't just plow through a whole six pack or who can take ~1hr to drink like two thimbles full of Scotch***?

What they aren't thinking of is that since they're taking that second drink usually that means they enjoyed the first one. If you enjoyed the first one, why not get some and try it at home. Or go back to whatever bar you went to a different day. See what it does to your body and then see what happens with two. Figure out where it makes you feel good and where it stops making you feel good.

OR

Here's a little idea I've been working on. Just drink it because it _tastes_ good and STOP before you get so fucked up that you start calling your ex girlfriends at two in the the morning to reminisce about the great times you had back in high school****.

I'm not saying everyone should drink. I know a few people who really are better off staying away from it. Of course most of them don't. I think that's the trouble. You never notice the people who don't have a problem. All we notice are the people with the problems. They are the ones who make the news for killing a family of six drunk driving. Or for pissing in a flowerpot at a restaurant. The rest don't look drunk, because they're not stupid.

I'm also certainly not saying that everyone should enjoy drinking. It's a beverage, if you don't enjoy it don't drink it. But recognize that if the person who is giving you the drink gets drunk on it daily. They are probably buying the cheap stuff. I can't afford to be an alcoholic on the booze I drink. Hell at ~$60+ for my favorites I'm lucky if I can one bottle a year. There's a huge difference between a beverage you can get at Vons for less than ten bucks and something truly crafted.


By the way just a little side note if you drink till you're drunk then get behind the wheel of a car you are a fucking asshole who is taking the lives of children everywhere in your inebriated, delayed reflex, lowered perception and poor judgemented hands.

Just so we're clear drunk people kill CHILDREN (and others) all over the world every day. Sit the fuck back down and drink water till you sober up, call a cab or have someone else drive.

Gassho ^_^


* Which I have had precisely 4 times in my entire life. I've been hung over 6. I crossed the 'can count them on 1 hand' line about 6 months ago a half a year after my 35th birthday.
** Which I have never had.
*** Yes I really can savor my Scotch that much.
**** Never done this. Seriously.

Volunteering

This was a really weird place to find this information.
Realtor.com? really.

I've been poking around trying to find some information on this but I have a couple of hiccups with it. First, where is there a Google like interface where I can just put in my zip code and they send me somewhere that I can help people. I've poked around on volunteermatch but so many of the opportunities on there have you fill out a form and they'll contact you.
Contact me? Why don't you just tell me if you need help and I'll just contact you? WTF? I don't want to say that having to fill out a form is being more put out than being homeless but for many of these things all I have is a name and I'd rather not give my email address to some company that is going to turn out to be in fucking Florida or something and start constantly asking me for money.

If all I wanted to do was plunk down money.* Then I would do that but I'd like to actually go and help somewhere. And I want to take my kids and teach them to help people. I really don't want to be giving my email address or phone number to every tom dick and harry that's going to beg me for money. Not that they don't need it but have you been on volunteermatch? There's fucking MILLIONS of charity organizations out there. Honestly some I'm going to be a little bit more likely to volunteer for.

Secondly. I started my search looking for Buddhist charity organizations and there's just not many in the little white bread corner of the world I live in. It gets quite a bit more prevalent as you get further into Los Angeles where there are, you know, more than two cultures but out here where you're either white, Mexican or here on visa, Buddhism is a little thin.

It's not that I want to get any special 'Buddhist street cred' or anything it's more that I'm still a little nervous about going to like the Salvation Army (who is their own church and has their own bible) and having people talk to me about god ALL DAY LONG. That kind of crap is annoying.
I'm also worried I'd end up at one where they got all preachy with the people they are trying to help.

And honestly I'm also a little worried I'd be at one of these goddy places and the poor folks I'm trying to help would go all "you're a true messenger of Jesus, thank you." And I'd end up saying something like "no actually I'm with one of those new aged Buddha Religions."

A.K.A The Devil.

And that could just go even more poorly from there. And then where would I be. Fucking defending Buddhism, fighting for Buddhism? Because that's a real virtuous thing to do.

And then this leads to the great guilt spiral of now getting down on myself for letting this bs stand in my way of helping people. Speaking of BS standing in the way I now have more.

So I started looking outside of my comfort zone and found the above. They actually have a couple of places not too far, one in Hollywood, right next door to white bread hell where I live, and another a bit deeper into LA. The closest one is Food on Foot. It's based in Hollywood and they not only feed the homeless every Saturday but then they have an additional program where they give them jobs cleaning the streets in exchange for food vouchers redeemable at McDonald's and stuff.

But it costs $20 to volunteer (which is probably an important part of how they can buy the food.) Which for me isn't a big deal but I'm planning on taking the whole family. If I could afford $80 a week I'd be donating more money to charity.

Shit.

I've already gotten past the part where I wouldn't be comfortable handing out Chicken meals to people but all the other crap is still either a pain in the ass or more than I can handle right now.

So now am I just looking for excuses not to volunteer? I think it's time to just bite the bullet. I'm sure there's probably a place right here in town that does something like that. Of course I'd much prefer to go over the hill to the valley where they probably have more than like 5 homeless people and help them. I guess I'll just suck it up and find a Catholic place or something.

* wow that makes it sound like I have money. Right!

Neurodharma

So I haven't actually listened to a single podcast but I subscribed to Buddhist Geeks because, well, I'm a geek and a Buddhist. Seems like a fit to me.
But I _do_ have them on twitter, and while yes as an IT nerd it causes me physical pain to type out that sentence I do actually follow about 6 twitter streams.
 
Anyway I found this article amazingly interesting. It's an article by
 
It's a transcript of their interview with Rick Hanson a PHD in neuropsychology and  Theravadan Buddhist
The coolest part is that in it he covers a bunch of stuff about physiologically why we are the way the Buddha says we are. or said, or does,whatever

stupid Zen.

But the best part is that it's not just all hot air. There is actual practical useful information in there on how to make your meditation more effective and ways to help ensure that the meditation makes it with you into the real world.
'real'

the place where you live and interact. The place where you really could use the meditation but really don't have the time.

-DB

Food

I'm starting a new thing here on BNZ.* Food product reviews. Vegetarianism is a bit of a hot topic in the arena of Buddhism and if you're reading this site you're probably an idiot, I mean you're probably not your average tree hugging hippie the way that so many of us* of Americans who find Buddhism are.

So while in principle I agree with the Idea that meat analogs (fake meats) are lame and why can't you just eat veg without trying to make it look like a turkey. In practice it's a different story. My old man was raised in Oklahoma for most of his life. He ran a restaurant in a Major hotel there. I grew up eating meat, Lots of meat. In fact I don't think I ever cooked a vegetable more than 30 times from the time I started cooking*** until I got married.****

So now that I am veg I still have a lot of homey happy associations with the carcass foods. Turkey on thanksgiving, cold turkey for days afterwards. I know the difference between the white and dark and actually know how to make giblet gravy that is fantastically awesome and not totally gross.***** As well as a whole lifetimes full of eating burgers and other crap.

So while we do eat a lot of just veg stuff we also tend to supplement with some sort of veggie strip or 'chicken nuggets' a couple of times a week. though honestly we do those probably because they're fricking easy and fast rather than preparing a whole meal.

And since transitioning from non-veg to veg is much easier when you can eat the same foods. I'll give some run downs on some foods that make the cut and some that don't and hopefully some things that make the switch easier. Usually it's not the 'meat' flavor that you're missing but the huge hit of salt and fat and savory that usually come with it.

Ironically I was inspired by my friends over at Lords of Bacon who have finally been talking about bacon, the love of their life for long enough that someone out there is actually going to be giving them bacon so they can do a review. Congrats to the boys over at LOB and now you'll have to do an actual real review instead of a 30 second text vomit like most of your posts. ^_^

So you can expect a fake bacon review coming up in the not too distant future.
From me.
Not them.

* Did I really just acronym myself?
** I say us because even though I cuss a lot and I like martial arts and shooting guns I am still a bit of a tree hugging hippie kind of deep down.
*** something like 12 or 14.
**** later
***** The trick is first to boil it down several times for like 10 hours and then blend the shit instead of leaving all those gross assed hunks of giblets.

Who Precicely are These 'Buddhists' I Keep Reading About?

Spellcheck sheet

I keep reading about what 'Buddhists' like and what 'Buddhists' do and what 'Buddhists' eat and who 'Buddhists' boink and what 'Buddhists' wear and I wonder precisely who the fuck these people are talking about.

Because I think, _I'm_ a 'Buddhist' but most of the time these things don't apply to me. Even when they're written by a 'Buddhist' in a cute little saffron colored robe.

Which is another thing, but I digress...

The problem is that the phrase 'Buddhist' is analogous to 'Western Religion.' There are just so fucking many different kinds of us. Often people compare it to using the phrase 'Christianity' with all it's bazillion little sects but in truth it's broader than that. Soto Zen has about as much relation to Burmese Buddhism as Episcopalianism has to Judaism. Sure, they're related, they have a lot of the same concepts, same holy entity same general view of the universe and creation.

But that's where it all ends. They don't really transplant well or even interact well some times. And it's the same for us. I don't know what the fuck Burmese folks do in there ceremonies or why even. In fact most of the things that Non-Buddhists think that 'Buddhists' do aren't consistent.

Let's explore some shall we.
1) Buddhists are vegetarian.
Well.... no.
I think you will find, in general a higher number of vegetarians amongst Buddhists than non-Buddhists but there's no consistent hard and fast rule. The traditional Mahayana monks weren't really capable of being vegetarian. Because they essentially begged for their food. Part of their life was to get up in the morning and go around town with their alms bowl collecting their meals for the day. Now they weren't allowed to kill 'living beings' (more on that later) nor have something killed for them or even be around when it happens. But when you are relying on other people for the entirety of your foodstuffs you really don't get to be very picky.
I'll have to come back and update this and add more later. It's twelve thirty and I was shooting for being in bed before 10. Various things have prevented that.

2) Buddhists meditate a lot.
OK, this one I think is true. I honestly can't think of a single Buddhist sect that doesn't place an emphasis on meditation. Some (*cough* Zen) Place a REALLY strong emphasis on it. Others like Pure-Land place much more emphasis on chants and less on meditation.

3) Buddhist wear robes.
FALSE!
This is one of my favorites. 'Buddhists' don't wear robes any more than 'Christians' do. MONKS wear robes, priests wear robes. It's the same in both groups. Lay people like myself and probably anyone reading this generally wear.. whatever the hell we want. Work clothes, jeans, dresses. Like any religious event folks tend to dress a little more conservatively, the idea isn't to be provocative. And in Buddhism where we spend a fuck-ton of time sitting in some version of crossleggedness* we often wear something loose fitting. But beyond that most of us wear street clothes.

4) Buddhist pray to the Buddha
Nada,
So most of us chant/pray/pay homage/honor/whatever you'd like to call it, to 'the Buddha' the definition of 'The Buddha' is a little squiffy in this context. First there's the 'Shakyamuni' Buddha who is the Buddha that became enlightened under a tree. Then there's the eternal spiritual Buddha that is essentially the same guy only, magic or something. He's usually called 'Tathagata' in Mahayana but I don't know if that's the case in Theravada. Then there's like 500 other or so Buddhas and Bodhisattvas mentioned in the lotus suttra that various Mahayanaists consider to be just analogies but the esoteric Buddhists may actually be chanting to instead of the Shakyamuni Buddha or the Shakyamuni as the Tathagata or what not.

N) I'm going to collect a few more and update this post.


But you get the idea. My wife keeps asking me 'What does Buddhism say about this' and I'm repeatedly forced to say 'Well that really depends on who you ask.' Which often sounds like I'm picking and choosing things to win arguments but it isn't. And often it doesn't require finding some crack-pot to prove that there's someone who believes a certain thing. The spectrum is broad as hell.

* I'm totally going to try and get that into the dictionary.

Buddhism and Allergies

I don't appear to be allergic to _anything on this earth_. However this topic has become very near and dear to my heart. See I've recently been diagnosed with a condition called Chronic Sinusitis.

It sucks.

In fact my allergist/immunologist had a more specific name for it that I've forgotten. chronic sinusitis which basically means, chronic sinusitis.

During my many conversations with said allergist one of the first things she told me to do was 'minimize exposure to particulate matter' Wash my cat or dog, use a really good vacuum, don't go dusty places, etc. Which got me thinking. In Buddhist ceremonies there's a lot of incense. Incence everywhere.

Even if it's a really mild Japanese incense like the stuff we use at the Zendo. It's still a lot Because we use it every time

Time to meditate - incense.
birthday of the Buddha - more incense
Service, start with incense, do some zazen (more incense) then light up some incence while we do our ceremony.

Heck I couldn't even guess how much incense gets burned at a sesshin or a zazenkai. How the heck do allergy sufferers deal with that.

I'm on a quest to find a nose plug like the kind swimmers use. Problem is that since it's November the swimming sections of the various all in one stores like target and wallmart have diminished considerably. I'm going to have to go to a sporting goods store but I haven't had a chance.

There doesn't seem to be much useful out there. I found an article on someone talking about HOW to make a nose filter. Then I found these freaky (but cool) looking japanese things I can't find in the us or even on a reasonably english speaking website. also these which seem like I'd like to try them but the website looks a bit sketchy and I'm honestly nervous about givin them my money.



UPDATE: I swear on the stupa of the world honored one himself that these did not show up on google when I posted this the first time less than a week ago but now it's at the top of the list. And they use paypal, I'm totally ordering some.

All the little bows

So there's a lot of bowing in Soto Zen. Well in Zen. Ok, in Buddhism.
But at the end of a period of Zazen we all say the Bodhisatva vow and the bow. I never really knew why and I always forgot to ask. I assumed we were bowing to the wall who has been a part of our meditation time. Or do the meditations space or to the other folks who have meditated with us.

But I do most of my Zazen in front of a closed TV cabinet. It's not a great wall nor even a great meditation space. And while I consider the whole world my meditation partners when I meditate There really isn't anyone in the same room with me.

unless the cat has decided it's time for cat tree Zazen.

But the other day I realized. We're bowing to the Dharma.

It sounds cheezy and maybe others won't agree to me but that's the way I see it. We bow to the Dharma because after all that's what is.
that's not a typo.

The Dharma is what is. It's everything. The Dharma while normally translated as Law or the truth or the words of the Buddha is also some times used as essentially 'nouns' the word Dharma also means things. Which only sounds weird until you dig deeper.

Dharma as 'Law' isn't law in the sense of the allmighty bob will smite you for your sins. Remember in Buddhism there isn't any judge. There isn't an old man with a beard that's going to tell you if you did right or not. Dharma is a natural law. It's simple, you do bad shit, bad shit happens to you. Maybe not now, maybe not even in this lifetime but bad shit will happen to you the more bad shit you do. And that goes for everyone and everything. The Dharma is natural law, it's everything. you drop a rock on your foot and it'll screw up your foot. The rock sits there and it will become a home to bugs, it will be worn down by the weather. It just is so it affects and is affected.

The rock is Dhamma, the rock is law, the rock is life.

Who knew rocks where so cool?
-db

The lotus suttra is freaky shiznit

The Wonderful Flower of the Dharma Suttra is no doubt a lovely and important text to modern Buddhism which I have 'always intended' to read but never gotten around to it due to just being busy, reading a ton of other crap and really not focusing on practice in any form for like 10+ years. So now that I'm getting down to brass tacs I've picked it up.

Now early on when I was looking around and trying to figure out where I wanted to go, did I want to stick with Zen, are there other forms of Buddhism that would be more suited to me, will I even be able to _find_ anyone to study zen with, I encountered the website of the Zendo I now attend. On their site they have a number of their Dharma talks posted. Amoungst them is a copy of a session of Dharma study and in it. Apparently nobody had ever read it and so Peter says "since nobody has read it I'll just start by reading it to you. It's probably better that way anyway because it's very repetitious and esoteric and it would probably confuse you anyway."

Now, no offense to Peter that struck me that while it might be true it seemed a bit egotistical. After all don't they have the right to figure out if it's confusing on their own? Maybe they're smarter than he thinks.

I totally agree now. I do NOT recomend reading the lotus suttra if you're relatively new to Buddhism. This thing is fricking wierd. I have no trouble with a lot of this esoteric stuff, people becoming buddhas, Brahma kings seeing the light of the buddha from ten lands away and coming to see him. Even the concepts of emptyness seems perfectly intuitive to me. I'm not having issues with that.

It's not that there are things in there that are hard to understand. It's that there are things in there that are so obscure that I don't even know if I"m supposed to care! There's pages of pages of the buddha reasuring all these bodhisattvas that they'll become buddhas and what the name of the land they will live in will be called. And the ground will be made of lapis lazuli and the roads oped off with gold ropes etc, etc.

Page after page anfter page.

So I've just decided to power through it and glean what I can then come back for it a couple of times. I'm not looking forward to reading it agian. That's a bigassed book. I'm like 1/2 way throuh and I"ve been going for weeks. I no longer look everything up. I keep a notepad handy for important sounding things but I really just feel I won't get it till I've read it a few times so I'm not going to bother to dig deaply. I'm just watering the houseplant. I'm not reaydy to maintain an httpd.conf file this late.

In fact I believe there's even a section at the beginning where he describes people who shouldn't be taugh the lotus suttra because it would just confuse them and push them away from the Dharma. Because it's fricking WEIRD.

And also totally amazing. There's soo much stuff in there I'm going to have to read it like five times. I'm not going to do that all in a row. After I finish this thing I'm putting it on a shelf. I have like 50 other texts on my list to read and then I'm coming back to it. Plus I have like years of meditation that needs to be done before I can understand other parts of it. Then I'll read it again. Eventually maybe I'll be able to understand like 1/10 of what it has to offer but that's going to take a while and I know that I'm going to have to be patient.

The Dharma and my nuts

Ok, really it's Zazen and my nuts.

I don't know about you but in loose fitting clothes sitting down on the little Zafu, turning around and getting situated I almost always end up on my nuts. Or at least on my sack. WTF. Luckily this hasn't happened at the Zendo yet. Only here at home.

But it makes me wonder. I know it's going to happen at the Zendo some day. What really is the proper way to get your nuts out from under you in a Zendo/Temple/etc. When is it ok to lean back and jam your hand deep into the front of your pants so you can pull the little guys out from under you.

Because honestly I really can't concentrate on my breathing at that point.

Hard

It just got hard.
I don't want to sit, I'm tired and I want to go to bed. I almost didn't sit at all last night. I pulled it together but it was already almost 11 so I only sat for 12 minutes. I'm still fighting a cold and I can't be staying up till 11pm.

Tonight I don't want to sit either.

I will, and I might sit for 40 minutes (instead of my usual 30) just to force my way through.

But right now at this very moment I don't want to sit. I don't want to be Buddhist any more. I don't want all the work that's going to be involved studying and sitting. I don't want to have to deal with the changes, the ones that have already happened and the ones I have no idea about.

I don't want to have to figure out what the hell the Lotus Sutra means or learn the wisdom of non-duality.

But I will.

Two months ago I was ready to ask my neighbor to keep my weapons in his safe. I'd been having scuicidal thoughts often enough that I felt the simplicity of a handgun was starting to become a risky temptation.

You can't stop anyone who really wants to do it. I've got perscription meds that I"m sure would mix poorly if I took them together and draino and a big assed radial arm saw in the garage and any number of 100s of other things that I know could do the job.

But most of them aren't quite as easy or as guaranteed and will probably hurt like a bitch.

I haven't felt depressed enough to want to end it in about two months. I've been sitting regularly for just a couple of weeks longer.

Gassho

Progress towards shikan taza

So I believe I've made great progress in my meditation recently. Had something great at the service on Saturday.

I've had all these thoughts in my head and I fight to not hold on to them. but I always hold on to them and think about them. and I know I shouldn't be fighting so hard to not hold on to them.  I also have a problem with songs rolling through my head.

So Saturday what I did was just touch every thing that came into my head. Mostly I touched things I noticed. I focused on just touching anything I noticed. I said one word to describe it and lte it go. If the bell outside rang I said bell. If someone shifted their foot I said foot. If they shrugged I said shrug, if I was slouching I said straighten as I straightened my spine, etc.

I know that naming things in this way promotes segregation which is the opposite of zen but it helped me let things to. It also helped me not have a song in my head. I meditated again that night and it didn't work out very well but I did it in my cluttered busy living room not the zendo and I only did 10 mins because I'd done an hour already that day.

I didn't get a chance to discuss it with my teachers so I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. but when I try and focus on my breathing I can't focus only on my breathing I have all these other things I fight with. Doing this I actually got a bunch of breathing focus in.

It's Called Non-Attachment not Non-Feeling

Apparently it's starting to sink in

It's not about not enjoying things it's about not needing them. I know I've written about it in the past but today Sept 13 I've just witnessed that it is sinking in.

WTF is the Dhamma

WTF is the Dahmma

WTF is the Dhamma (you're probably more familiar with it as Dharma)
If you're Christian it's easy to tell what your religious text is. There's a book called "The Bible" and you're supposed to read it.
As a Buddhist we take refuge in the Dhamma. But I still don't know what that means 100%. The Dhamma, like the bible is the teachings of the Buddha, the words of the religion. But there's two problems with that.
First is that the Buddha's followers recognized from the moment he began speaking on his new 'middle way' that what he was saying was going to be important to people for years to come. So they vowed to preserve it, all of it. They memorised every sermon he ever gave and made him promise to repeat any sermon he ever gave when not around him. Then they set about repeating it to one another so they could all remember it. They even made sure to recite it in groups so that they knew it wouldn't get changed acientally year arfer year.
Like a religious game of telephone.

There's this thing called the tipitaka or The Pali Cannon. Pali being the language he spoke in. Essentially it contains every single sermon he spoke in 45 years. Ever word that came out of his mouth. Published in modern format it takes up 40 volumes, it's over 5 linear feet of bookshelf space and contains more than 20,000 words.

Jebus

Now there's a reason for this. One of the reasons there's so much to say is that the Buddha was very, very deliberate about tuning his speaches to the individual. So there's primarily 3 sections of the Tipitaka. Tipitaka is tip(three) taka (baskets) for the three vessels of knowledge the monks would pass from one another, the way a bucket crew passes water to extinguish a fire, in order to preserve the Dhamma.

One section is pretty much just for monks, people who wanted to lead a monastic life in order to help everyone else.
Another is for essentially the super smart. Intended for phylosiphers, drs, etc. It is apparently, haven't read a word of it, very esoteric and a bitch to understand. The longest section is for everyone else. Even it is broken up into levels depending on how deep you think you can handle it. From books like the Dhamapada which is like the easy readers guide to the Dhamma, it's tiny and really just has a bunch of short poems that say things like people who do evil deeds will feel evil hearafter. people who do good deeds will feel good hearafter.

So while there's a bazillion pages of of the Dhama even the monks aren't really required to know the whole thing.

ok, this really varies from Bhuddist school to Bhuddist school, the Tibetan monks for instance DAMN WELL expect the monks to know every word. Zen monks on the other hand could give a rat's bootie, they expect you to understand the meditation and thus yourself and thus the universe.

Buuuut it gets even wierder.

Because the stuff that's in the Pali Cannon is the really really traditional stuff that's the 'official' works for what's called Theravada Buddhism which is austensibly what was practiced from about the time of the Buddha, ~550bc, to the beginning of the common era (year 0.)

Around this time a bunch of Bhuddists looked at the bulk of Bhuddism and said "Wait a second, y'all are really getting way way to self involved, spending ALL your time in seclusion and not helping anyone but yourselves." Bhuddists have an obligation to end suffering. Not for themselves but for the whole world. At that time a few new books came about. Theoretically they are the words of the Buddha that were recorded while he was alive and hidden away for 500 years becuase we weren't ready to understand them at the time. (actual story unknown, I dont' have enough info currently to even speculate. They were guarded by dragons in another dimension for all I know.)

This was the birth of what's called Mahayana Buddhism. Mahayana Buddhism is a bit more palatable for most people and has a couple key points. It has a focus on something called a Bhodisatva. A Bhodisatva is a person who's taken a vow to not reach enlightenment on their own but to help deliver the entire world from suffering all together. The second is a good strong focus on meditation. Mahayana is the main form of Buddhism today and 99% of what we recognize is Mahayana, from Tibetan to zen.

I'm studying Zen, so now what do I do? Do I read the works of the Pali Cannon in an attempt to get 'back to basics?' Do I read the Mahayana texts since they're more applicable? Is it even better to just read the 25 million texts ABOUT Buddhism because they were written within two centuries of my birth and maybe in a language someone alive actually speaks?

It bakes my noodle.

I Trust My Wife

That's really what it comes down to. We're doing a lot better lately. See we've been a tiny bit distant for the past two years.

Not in the way that you're probably thinking.

Not in a way that most people would even notice. But I'm kinda sensitive to that sort of thing and we're very, very close. She's my best friend.

It's cheezy I know but she really is. More than she was ever a girlfriend or even more than she is my wife she is my best friend. So when we get even the tiniest bit distant I notice. then because I'm a big sissy GIRL I get all freaky about it. For the most part it hasn't been a big deal. I've been stressed at work for one reason or another for 2-4 years. Sucks but true, more on that another time. She's been getting stressed off and on for about 2 years now. Between that and kids, now a failing economy, my parents and her parents failing health. It takes it's toll.

We still do well, about a year ago someone asked us how long we were married and were completely surprised when we told them 7 years (8 now) because they said we acted like newlyweds. grshck.

Anywho then this whole religion thing happened and I created more stress. I've really been trying but I was handling this religion thing poorly when it started. Then I started saying things that distanced her. then we really were distant. Now remember how I'm a big sissy girl? So what that means is that I overreact when it comes to emotional things. When I over react in this situation I get all clingy.

The kind of distance I've been feeling I've felt before. Very shortly before the woman I was with and I separated. So when she says "We're fine, we're not going to get a divorce or anything." I had a little trouble with it. "We're fine, we're not breaking up." has been said to me before. Both time subsequently followed up with something like "I was wrong" a few months later.

But I trust my wife. I'm not saying either of them were lying to me. I'm saying they were lying to themselves. Don't think I'm blameless here. I reacted the same way all three times. I got really really realy smotheringly clingy. Which of course pushes the woman a little further from you (clingy guys take this as a lesson.) What's different is the first two times this results in a complete panick and ultimately a failure. But I trust my wife. So when she says we're fine she's not worried I believe her. What I trust is that she's being honest enough with herself. And more importantly I believe her when she says that she trusts me. So in the end I just explained all that to her, about the clingy, and the way I feel about her faith and it's relationship to mine.

Much much more on that later.

ZOMFG the death penalty

Holy fricking crap.

I just became against the death penaly.
Literally less than five minutes ago. While brushing my teeth.

No that's not entirely true I was actually flossing with my waterpick. The idea hit me about 5 minutes earlier and I tried to resist it. Hoped I'd forget.

I've been pro death penalty most of my life. I've also been against killing, wars and violence in general* for most of my life. I have, however always felt that murderers and others that wreak havoc upon our lives should be culled. Not as punishment but generally as a cleansing of the gene pool.

No really. There's something wrong with these people. Yes upbringing is a possible source but by culling them off the way you would kill a cancer you A) Remove a source of the phsycopath gene from the gene pool and B) Show others that it's a BAD IDEA.
Now I understand global harmony and I love the idea and want the idea but the murderers are a current problem and global harmony is a future solution that we** are working towards.

But that's really the problem with the death penalty right there. It's just like your diet, or that reading you want to do or the excercise you should do, the gardening, the time with your kids.

It's always some day isn't it?

Some day.

But we all know some day doesn't come. It's bullshit. Some day is never today, it's always some day, out there, some place we look at. It's a dream, a lie.

It's bullshit.

And it won't be real until we make it real. It won't be real until we decide 'Fuck it!' Some day is today! So how will we heal the world if we don't start?

I know, I know, it's so much easier the other way. After all they're BAD PEOPLE. They really are. It's so much easier to want them punished. But that's like curing cancer by smoking. It sows the seeds of hate. Yes, more murderers are out there and more will come but how will we stop hate if we don't start? How will we end death if we don't start?

I'm such a fucking hippie some times.
sigh.

It was so much easier the other way. This is going to be hard. I don't like this idea but it's right.

Well, off to finish the evening with some Zazen. Maybe I should quit. This is the crap that's giving me this new clarity and all it's crappy revalations. ^_-


*except in sports conexts like martial arts.
** most of us.

Naked Zazen

I know that Naked and Zazen are not generally things you'd be able to authentically link but I had to last night. It's FRACKING hot in my house these days. The weather in socal has been above 100 every day for several days and we don't user our AC. Normally I don't mind sweating a bit during zazen. It's just one more thing your body does that you're supposed to acknowledge but not foxus on. but buckets of sweat is way too much and the hotter it gets the harder it is to pay attention. Or to not pay attention to be more accurate.

So I ended up on my cushion with my bathrobe in my lap sweating slightly less than before and much more comfortable and thus easier to maintain my focus.

Not that I can focus for a whole two seconds at a time or anything but I'm getting there.

Emotions

I'm getting to a wierd point in my Buddhist life around emotions. Logically I know I don't need them but they are escapable.
Let me clarify.
It's not like the movies where the zen master is perfectly austere and completely lacking in emotions. In the same way that our body cannot be separated from our mind our mind cannot be separated from our emotions. They're there, they're real. Trying to not have any is just lying to yourself and just as harmful as having to much of them. The goal of Zen isn't to become a soulless, lifeless robot who is completely disconnected from the world. Quite the oposite in fact. The goal is to have more love, global love, love for all things and joy at their existence.

What I really mean is to do is not be so attached to my emotions. The goal of Zen is to no longer NEED them. The way a child REALLY NEEDS that new toy, or that candy, or whatever that shiny thing that is on the shelf when you pass it in the hallway in some store and then breaks down into tears when you pass it instead of picking it up and putting it in the cart. There's no reason not to enjoy it when you get it.

But I seem to _want_ to need them. If I was a monk I'd strive to be less controlled by them. I'd see the emotion come, acknowledge it and move on. What we do in real life is see the emotion, grab a hold of it with both hands and wave it around, hug it to us, shout at it or put it on like a cape and run around the room pretending to be superman.

If I wanted to lead a more 'Buddhist' or especially a more 'Zen' life I'd not be quite so ruled by said emotions. And honestly I'd probably be happier. I wouldn't be caught up by every little twitch my wife makes I wouldn't be driven insane and unable to sleep by work.

But I don't want to become that austere. I'm full of life and vitality. I know I can be full of life and vitality and be spiritual but it's different. My teacher Jane Schneiders in talking about this once said "It's not that you become completely detatched and no longer feel love. In a sense you become a tiny bit more detached but you still feel the love. In fact you feel more. You feel it more broadly and more deeply than ever, but you no longer need (crave) it."

Which sounds awesome. I could have wild blindly radient love for the whole universe and yet be comfortable enough with myself that I won't feel like blubbering if my wife forgets to kiss me in the morning or if my daughter says she wants her mom to pick her up instead of me (Sometimes It's me sometime's it's mom. we can't convince her that whenever she says that she hurts the feelings of the other parent.)

However for some reason I don't want this peace. I don't want to loose my craving for emotions. It's like the emotions define me. The emotions make me 'real.' In a sense they do. Not the Buddhist sense, but a sense. They make me 'real' because they define this idea of me. This false me that we all have, you have, I have, my dog has. This idea of a permanent singular self that we cling to. In the Buddhist sense that identity is crap. There is no 'me' there is no 'you.' We exist as separate entities because we are defined as separate entities. Being attached to these emotions just further solidifies that idea of segregation, which segregates me from you or from an alpaca in Mongolia. This segregation is the cornerstone of the ignorance (essentially a Buddhist sin but we don't have sins) that is the main source of suffering in this world.

In 'Zen Wrapped In Karma Dipped In Chocolate' Brad Warner describes it that we're affraid to trust ourselves. Affraid to believe that we are an original Buddha and that this is in us." Well damned straight I'm affraid. I don't know if I want to be a Buddha. I don't know if I want to trust myself.

But yet here I am writing a blog about becoming my Buddha self. About bringing the Buddha, and thus, you and the alpaca, into my heart and my life.

le sigh.

Kamma

Kamma (pali) or Karma (sanskrit) is viewed in a lot of different ways. The most prevalent view being that it is some sort of cosmic currnecy. You earn good currency and you can spend it on bad things. You earn bad currency and you ahve to spend it on bad things. In the end if you have a shit ton of bad Kamma you become a dung beetle or get reborn in a hell inside of a mountain for 10,000 years or somesuch.

But like everything in Buddhism it's confusing when you delve into it in greater detail. On the outside Buddhism is pretty basic, pretty easy to understand.

Generally be groovy.

But that can be overly simplisitc.

I think it's important however to start with overly simplistic terms. I also think it's just as important to recognize that there are much much deeper meanings some of which can seem to contradict your overly simplistic idea (not in this case) but the overly simplistic term puts a qualification on the deeper idea.

The problem with overly simplistic terms is that people tend to just stop there and not recognize that the overly simplistic term is just setting the stage for a much deeper discussion. Let's take an example

Do no evil.

seems pretty straight forward. but then you dig deeper. Is unmarried sex evil if it's full of love and devotion? eternal love and devotion? Is marriage good when it's two people who hate one another who are 'staying togehter because of the kids' and all the while each one is telling the child aweful things about the other parent. Sewing seeds of hate and dispair in not only themselves but in each other and in their children?

There's nuances and in Buddhism the idea of nuances is more important than the 'rules' themselves. As long as you take the rules as a context.

So back to Kamma. Cosmic currency. In much thought Kamma is currency like money, you spend it. That means there has to be someone printing it, someone storing it in the back, metting it out when you deserve it taking it away and someone weighing it when you die.

In Buddhism Kamma isn't like this. It's like anything else in the world. You smoke, that contains carcinogens, carcinogens increase your risk of cancer. the more you smoke the more likely you are to get cancer. You eat vegetables, those are full of vitamins and minerals that your body needs to survive. Kamma is the same way. Nobody out there is going to decide that you effed up. Nobody is going to judge you against a yardstick. Kamma isn't something you're going to be able to hide or something you can weigh in at the end of your life. Many prison inmates 'find jesus' on death row. And I'm sure they really mean it. When they take jesus into their heards three days or six months before they die they really, really mean it. Because they're going to die.
Kamma doesn't work that way. Any more than you can be a drunkard eating big macs and smoking for 70 years and then eat 50 lbs of carrots a day when your doctor tells you you have 2 more months to live. It just won't work.
Kamma just catches up to you and you have to maintain it, always.
 Sure, you'll slip from time to time but heck some times those really healthy people have a donut. But usually we're in the middle somewhere. We try and eat healthy but it's a bit of a pain some times so we put it off until later.

The trick is this. First realize there's no later.

Second realize you're not perfect.

If you were going to drop all bad behavior, eating habits evil thoughts, etc. you'd go join a monestary and become a monk. But I'm guessing you haven't done that or you probably wouldn't be reading this. You have a job or school, you have a family, you have responsibilities, you have a cat.

You are who you are.* Just pay attention. Don't beat yourself up for making a mistake or lie to yourself and certainly don't tell yourself it'll happen later. Later is now, right now while you are screwing things up but you can improve, just a little and that's all it takes.

So just try.

just do a better job. Even if it's only a little bit better those little bits add up. Honestly if it was easy there wouldn't have been a Buddha. If it were even remotely close to easy we wouldn't have noticed the Buddha. In a gorgeous field of flowers how do you find the prettiest. We noticed the Buddha because he bloomed on a barren rock. Sure there were little flowers here and there poking out through crags but he bloomed bright and beautiful and stood out amoungst the rest.

Now here's something to bake your noodle. The Buddha clearly defined Kamma the above way. You have a lot of bad Kamma, you suffer. period, that's what happens, not because you're judged but because you just have bad shit that you've accepted. Now he also very clearly sayd 'I declare that cetana (there's a - over the last a,) which is translated as volition, as Khamma.

So is Khamma just thought? 'just' bad thought. if you kill people becuase you're crazy do you suffer Khamma? If you get cut off on the freeway and curse the guy do you get bad Khamma?

No

and yes.

One of the things that pushed me away from Christianity was a similar idea. The idea that if I thought bad thoughts I would be damned to hell. Mearly thinking 'FUCK' if I missed the nail and hammered my finger with a big fricking hammer Jesus would put a big check in the 'going to hell' column on my holy roster. This sounded dumb frankly. So here I am now becoming more and more deeply involved in a relegion that says "Mind is the forruner of all states" that is the very first line of a text called the Dhammapada. The Dhammapada is really like those little cardboard jesus for kids books. It's the shortest and simplest of all the traditionalal Theravada canon (think of it as 'old Buddhism.') It is the text that was designed to be able to be read by the largest group of people. If you wanted to you could read it in like 20 minutes or less.
which of course means I have a 10 lb version that is VERY thorughoughly annotated and each 8-16 word verse has an acompanying page to page and a half of story from the Buddha's life illustrating it and a ton of comments.

Now both of the first two verses start with the same 2 lines.
Manopubbaṅgamā dhammā manoseṭṭhā manomayā
Manasā ce pasannena bhāsati vā karoti vā

Which are pretty much "All that we are is the result of what we have thought: it is founded on our thoughts, it is made up of our thoughts." They are freqently translated more roughtly into something like "Mind is the forruner of all states"
each one is followed up by a slightly fancy way of saying if one's thoughts are bad bad shit happens (or follows like the wheel of a cart follows an ox.) and if they're good good shit happens.
But in the shorter translations each verse is actually translated as "Mind is the forruner of all evil states" and "Mind is the forruner of all good states" to simplify it a bit.

So here I am now following a religion that very clearly states that bad thoughts are bad.
The difference is context. In Buddhism we very clearly recognize that thoughts happen. They're supposed to happen. In fact one of the whole purposes of Zen Buddhism and Zazen is to _let_ them happen, rather than try and deny them. Having a bad thought isn't wrong. Clinging to that bad thought is wrong. When someone cuts us off on the freeway we're likely to have some defensive adversarial thought pop into our head.

That is normal and healthy.
let me repeat it.
when someone does something that risks your life and this adversarial angry thought pops into your head it is normal and healthy.

What is nor healthy but is unfortunately normal is for you to fume about it for the next 20 minutes. "That bastard" or even screaming out the window at the "Dubmassed jerk who just cut you off" Now you're generating a tremendous amount of energy, a tremendous amount of evil bad thought (and thus Khamma.) That is not only you but that is being sent into the world and will help destroy it.

So get the fuck over it. Shut up, stop talking about it, calm down, grow up, whatever it takes. Let the bad thought happen but then let it go.

*And so am I. ^_^

Right Effort Right Concentration

Right now I am practicing neither. I've been at work for about an hour now and probably put in 15 minutes of work. The rest has been Buddhist stuff and an email conversation with my wife.

Now I'm writing a blog entry about spirituality.

But I feel like I need the way. I've often in my life felt the desire to do something like become a priest. To teach people the joy and love that can be attained through spirituality but to teach them something that didn't suck. Most of what I've viewed as Christianity didn't qualify. I never considered the idea of becoming a Buddhist monk because like most of you I have this idea that they're all head shaved ascetics who live in a monastery and don't have any fun.

let alone sex.

But recently I've learned that isn't true anymore. Sure there still are tons that do but there's also tons of well respected monks like Nishijima Roshi that worked for a cosmetics company for years. And some less respected but no less well versed in the Dharma like Brad Warner who worked for a company that made Godzilla movies till he got to the point where he could make money on his books and on speaking engagements.

Does this mean I want to be a monk?

I don't know really. That's sort of a big commitment and I don't know if I'm up to it.

I'm not even certain why am I considering it. Is it because I think I'll achieve some magical sense of peace and no longer be concerned with these worldly toils? Probably, but then logically I know this isn't true. On the other hand there will be some sort of calm that comes from the true realization that we are all one, connected, interconnected, the same. That all this suffering in the world is transitory and not real. Things that I know with my head but still don't quite stick in my daily life.

If I did then how would I support my family?

I don't know. I think I do want to take the precepts, a zen ceremony. Hopefully I can make it tonight but I think I need to restart a server for someone. Maybe I can get a coworker to do that and I can go discuss it with my teachers. I'll shoot for that.

Monk hood. Am I being selfish instead of wanting to do it to help people?

maybe

Is my sudden re-conversion to Buddhism stemming from some stupid new-agey kinda hippy bullshit.
probably

Is there a larger part of me that has always felt that God has been talking to him?

Yes.

Am I getting back to work now and planning on accomplishing something?

Definitely

Some Progress 1

This is actually a bit late. I've pretty much made about six steps on my goal towards not hating everything about wife's choice of religeon but I had to get through those steps before I could be comfortable enough writing about them. Truth is I'm making a much bigger deal of it than she is. But I knew that would be the case. I'm the one with the problem not her.

Well I've been doing a bunch of reading. Read 'Living Buddha, Living Christ." by Thich Nhat Hanh. I'll be seeing him sept 19th. He's doing some speaking. Funny part is while my wife was searching for God she brought home "Jesus and Buddha as brothers" by him. I read about three paragraphs and said "Looks like it's just some attempt to make Christianity palatable for Buddhists. I have no interest in understanding and accepting them." Man, what a dick.

I knew subconciously it was her attempt to help me be comfortable with it but it didn't sink in that she'd already made her choice to be Christian. The ironic part is that she doesn't remember that book, apparently she didn't read it and now I'm the one getting the books and giving them to her. I'm not pushing the Buddhism on her but she's trying to understand it as much as I'm trying to understand hers. There's a bunch of concepts in Buddhism that are, to be honest, kind of odd and very difficult for most western minds to wrap around. I'm not really sure why I don't have a problem with it. I'm exploring that, more on that in a later post.

I'm a lot more comfortable than I used to be with the wife's choice. It helps that she's Catholic. Much to my surprise Catholosism is one of the most flexible. Supporting science and such things. hell the vatican is becoming solar powered. The most important part is the importance they place on helping people. The teachings of Catholosism and buddhism are actually very close. Jesus said go help people. My wife made a comment once. "There are two ways to view what Jesus said. You can focus on helping people here on this earth and pray as well. Or you can Pray constantly and focus on helping them in the after life. You can guess from the number of Hospitals with names that start with 'St. ...' which one the catholic church focuses on.' it really helps.

Tao (the way)

So I've started a spiritual journey. It's been tough. I am a little surprised that I'm doing it and it's not really the sort of thing I would normally have sought out.

The truth is I was forced into it. You see my wife found God. She's not being preachy or trying to steal the kids from me or anything horrible. She's been great about it. The problem is me. You see I have a problem with Christianity. I hate it, I loathe it, I feel that most of the terrible things that have happened in this world have been a result of it. It's a feeling that has grown in me gradually over the past 15-20 years. Or at least I did for about the last ten years until about six months or a year ago when I started to calm down.

So when I finally found out about the wife I had a crisis. I couldn't believe she had brought this evil into my house. I actually said that out loud in front of her can you believe it? After a while of reflecting on this. A while being months and months. Plus being torn by the fact that I love her dearly and that I respect her greatly I started to realize something very important. In my hatred of what Christians had done in the name of God I had learn to hate Christians. I had become the very thing I hated them for. A vessel of ignorance, hatred and intolerance. This had to change. A little history Some 20 years or so ago I was an avid church goer. During that period I learned of this ignorance and hatred and I knew that God could not be like this. So I found my own path. Over the next 5 years or so I explored myself and the universe deeply through contemplative meditation and developed some very strong feelings about how the world worked. They included ideas like reincarnation and the love and interconectedness of all things.

about 15+ years ago I discovered Buddhism. I was and still am constantly amazed at how much it matched my own explorations and theories and so I began following it. I'd already started down the path and here was a guide from those who had gone down the same path before me.

Unfortunately I didn't stick with it. The Buddha sort of moved from my heart to my back pocket. Buddhism was always something I would get back to. I've got completely unread Buddhist texts that I've had for 5 years now. Some day. I would get back into Buddhism, learn a bit more and start meditating again.

Well this was the day. See Buddhism speaks to me very closely. And one of the neat things about it specific to this situation is that Acceptance of other peoples religion is a requirement. No Buddhist who truly understands the Darhma will ever tell you that your religion is wrong, less accurate. So I'm diving in full bore. Grabbed a bunch more texts and I'm reading them. Some from the buddhist restaurant we go to for the vegitarian chinese food. Some online, some I've just had for a long time and don't know why. Some that folks have brought to me from taiwan or something. Others that I've picked up as giveaways and a chinese Buddhist restaurant.

Tao in Chinese means way or path. Both of these words are used to describe the Buddha's teachings. Both by him and by others. My initial exposure to Buddhism was essentially zen. But in the kung fu theathre sort of way. I got it from a martial arts instructor and a very good frient. I learned a lot spiritually from the man. I'm sure there will be more on him later.

Bare Naked?

This blog was originally titled Dhammaboy. The below is why I chose it.
The new name reflects a couple of things. First off my approach to Zen is naked.. Or at least I'm trying to. I'm really focusing on emptying my cup as it were. Starting over 'beginners mind.'

Second because naked is cool. And some times it's needed in the middle of summer. ^_^

For the old name
Because the name was cool.

That's why I picked it. My other blog (the hole in my head, which I'm not really using) still has a good name for the topic at hand. The topic of my progression in Buddhism. Who knows, I may keep that one and move everything over but this sounded cool.

I'm such a dork.

*Note, Most people are familiar with Karma, the 'cosmic currency of Buddhism, Hindu and others. Some people are familiar with Dharma, the budhist teachings. Well I've been reading Pali stuff (the original original language of Bhuddism. and Karma and Dharma are both sanscrit words. Translations but early ones. Pali ones tend to be a couple years later and there are still a few texts that haven't even been translate yet. So I will often use pali here. So Karma is Khamma and Dharma is Dhamma